LMAO.
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Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it