My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
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Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Worth a try
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow