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@TattleTSister

I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.

@dumbbeezie

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.

@ThisOneSayz

Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?

Siri: I’m not sure I understand

@Bakwasowski

If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.

@badbanana

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.

@Ristolable

Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing

@datguyryry

My new monthly budget

Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500

@trumpetcake

Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.

@TheToddWilliams

[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try

@AnitaHelmet

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.