Guilty! 🤪
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Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I have many caverns
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.