I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
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My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
My new monthly budget
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
ME: Sure is beautiful here
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.