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@KalvinMacleod

Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.

@delusions_of

Penguins mate for life but also have the highest rate of alcoholism.

@Hormonella

I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.

I think I need a hard boiled egg.

@notsoevilrick

My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.

@bornmiserable

[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason

@YeezyEducatedMe

[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely

@INeed_AnAdult

It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.

@jctwritesstuff

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!

@joejwest

ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please

@junejuly12

At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.