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Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.


Penguins mate for life but also have the highest rate of alcoholism.


I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.

I think I need a hard boiled egg.


My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.


[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason


[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely


It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.


Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!


ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please


At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.