You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
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If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.