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@PeteMC666

Remember that infographic that went around a few weeks ago about animal attacks, and how some people thought they could fight a bear? No mate, no you can’t.

@AGreaterMonster

I always keep a hammer in my pocket in case someone asks me to help them fix something so I can immediately break my leg.

@skittle624

It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.

@WheelTod

I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.

@Jez1

You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.

@JermHimselfish

Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”

@mrjohndarby

doctor: can you describe the pain?

me: i have a knife sticking into me

doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain

me: sharp

doctor: like a knife?

me: yes, exactly that

doctor: *proudly* its my first day

@envydatropic

If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you

*Puts on angry eyebrows*