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Remember that infographic that went around a few weeks ago about animal attacks, and how some people thought they could fight a bear? No mate, no you can’t.


I always keep a hammer in my pocket in case someone asks me to help them fix something so I can immediately break my leg.


It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.


I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.


You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.


Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”


doctor: can you describe the pain?

me: i have a knife sticking into me

doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain

me: sharp

doctor: like a knife?

me: yes, exactly that

doctor: *proudly* its my first day


If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you

*Puts on angry eyebrows*