My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
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Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?