Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
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Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Me, in DM rooms…
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶