If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
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My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please