Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
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My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
shut up and take my money
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!