Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
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WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Daddy, how’d you get that scar?
*flashback to me tripping & falling while running from the police after a night of drunken debauchery*
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Day one of my soup cleanse: Feeling great!
Day two: I have robbed a Burger King and killed a zebra.
Weight lifting male friend: Man, I had such a clean snatch.
Me: Same! Just waxed!
Me *smirks*: What?
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?