Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
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Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Super Hand Dog Face
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince