Lmao the reply
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When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?