I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
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For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Just as the prophecy foretold
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”