this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
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Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon