“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
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girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.