lmao
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pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.