> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
You Might Also Like
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry