lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
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Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.