@_wildmilk

lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????

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@mela_shea

“What’s your band name?”

“The Who”

“The band?”

“Not The Band, The Who”

“Please don’t make me guess who”

“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”

“May I have some of your drugs?”

@InternetHippo

ME: People should be able to say what they want w/o consequences, that’s the essence of free speech
SOMEONE: You suck
ME: Call the police

@SJKSalisbury

The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.

@XOSchitzo

Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.

@Gupton68

Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.

@shaunpcassidy

Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.

@ReeMURDA

I promise, I’m only gonna have 2 beers tonight…. 2 beers in dog beers

@Cpin42

What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?

@TheBeerGuy73

My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.