“What’s your band name?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
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ME: People should be able to say what they want w/o consequences, that’s the essence of free speech
SOMEONE: You suck
ME: Call the police
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
I promise, I’m only gonna have 2 beers tonight…. 2 beers in dog beers
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?