uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
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the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
I’ve been learning to cook.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.