Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
You Might Also Like
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
i hate you platonically