Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
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[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
I love the National Park Service.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…