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@joejwest: ME: You've put on weight DRACULA: No I haven't. Prove it ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into? DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
@funflaps: Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
@Mike_Bianchi: My band is so indie we don't even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
@clindsaysway: Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup: Dad: Who are you routing for? Mom: I'm routing for it to be over.