@AimeeHelene1: When in Texas... *heads into the desert* *hugs cactus* *shoots said cactus* *rides off into the sunset on horseback*

@TweetsByKaylee: writer: you know how cats chase mice? producer: yea? writer: this one has a twist producer: *leaning back* go on writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous! writer: i call it tom & jerry producer: *wiping tears* those are my names

@CaptPinkbeard: Professor X: what's your superpower? Me: I'm half horse, half Isaac Newton Professor X: oh... ok. listen, we don't have any openings right now bu- Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity Professor X: welcome aboard

@BlindChow: "That'll be $19.94." *pulls out $50 bill* "Sorry, we've had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?" *pulls out $25 bill*

@ValeeGrrl: ME: my husband wears a pair of jorts the week I'm ovulating DOCTOR: no i meant are you on any form of hormonal birth control ME: ah. no.