@cakezilla
@Grommit56
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
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@Grommit56
@FeelingEuphoric
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
@junejuly12
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
@robfromonline
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
@NYC_Blonde
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
@jdforshort
4 is currently using scissors to whittle down a pencil.
This will be a valuable skill if she ever goes to prison and needs to make a shank.
@NotARatsAss
Make sure to stand in the middle of group photos. It will be harder to crop you out later.
@DrThanatos
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
@WORLDSTAR
Word!
@WineMummy
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.