You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
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[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
4 is currently using scissors to whittle down a pencil.
This will be a valuable skill if she ever goes to prison and needs to make a shank.
Make sure to stand in the middle of group photos. It will be harder to crop you out later.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.