If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
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Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.