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Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.


Dear people with resolutions,

Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.


My doctor tells me I’m healthy enough for sexual activity…I’m just not attractive enough.


I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.


When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host


Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish


*hits on a guy*

He’s bleeding. I think I’m doing this wrong.


No thanks World Cup, if I wanted to watch a bunch of guys unsuccessfully try to score I’ll just stay on Twitter.


When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.