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@Jmboyd58

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

@MakesYouGiggle

Dear people with resolutions,

Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.

@TankCesar

My doctor tells me I’m healthy enough for sexual activity…I’m just not attractive enough.

@beefman138

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.

@HlessHman

When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host

@KimmyMonte

Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish

@RandomlyMJ

*hits on a guy*

He’s bleeding. I think I’m doing this wrong.

@theshamingofjay

No thanks World Cup, if I wanted to watch a bunch of guys unsuccessfully try to score I’ll just stay on Twitter.

@Josievorenkamp

When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.