@joejwest: ME: You've put on weight DRACULA: No I haven't. Prove it ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into? DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload

@funflaps: Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance

@Mike_Bianchi: My band is so indie we don't even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

@clindsaysway: Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup: Dad: Who are you routing for? Mom: I'm routing for it to be over.

@MelvinofYork: Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have? Me: Define “true friend.” Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything. Me: 11,419.