ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
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Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you