Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
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kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend