interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
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Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
Baked & sliced?
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
You know why most americans love minions so much? Because they resemble Twinkies..
Tip Of the Day: You can easily avoid bruising your thigh by not staring at a female jogger and then walking into a fire hydrant.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
*Hates hearing “NO” from women
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us