My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
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Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Meow?
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
“What movie?” 🤔
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing