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ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!

JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.

ME: Again, with the judging.


If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.


My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.


My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.


Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?


I’m saving myself for marriage.

Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.


I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.

[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.

It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*


My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.


A 25 year old just told me she’s gonna rock my world.

I’m 47 so I assume she’s gonna show me where to buy comfortable shoes & soft licorice