My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
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I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
😂🤣😂🤣
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.