Lmfao
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My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
They’re the worst 😩
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Hey i am sexy to you now
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry