Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
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[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
me doing my best
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG