Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
You don’t need to threaten me into submission. Just hold some cheesecake under my nose.
My voicemail greeting:
Its 2016, please hang up and text me before the beep so I don’t get a notification.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?