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Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?


Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe


HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner

HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me


Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.


You don’t need to threaten me into submission. Just hold some cheesecake under my nose.


My voicemail greeting:

Its 2016, please hang up and text me before the beep so I don’t get a notification.


Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p


[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!


Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend


Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:

I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?