Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials

If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.

Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.

Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.

Me: What?

“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.

Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.

Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.

Me: this is my service burrito.

The dogs are drawn by their screams.

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.

People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?

Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”

I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.

Ways that I am superior to dolphins:

– Am not afraid of being on dry land

– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet

– Faster at replying to emails

– Know more about the causes of World War 1

– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net

a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”

WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.

[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk

*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: *takes deep breath*

I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.

THERAPIST: What do u wish for?

WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together

ME: A penguin butler

An avocado is a vegan kinder egg

[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”

Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*

*Knocks on Misery’s door*

Me: Hey! I heard you love company.

Misery *through mail slot*: not you

“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house

“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance