Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
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[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Xylophonist Shredding It
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
be careful
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.