Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.

*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*

My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?

[eulogy]

line?

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]

2 years later

Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded

I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.

My 4yo: Let’s play a game!

Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?

4: No. Yes.

*walks in at 3am*

Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.

[front door 5hrs later]

Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?

Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.

5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?

I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.

mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice

Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals

It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.

JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

Me: You said pick the kids up

Wife: OUR KIDS

Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense

Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent

an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.

I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭

Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion

Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.

“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.

*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*

why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?

Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?

“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”

*connects*

Agent: Hello

Me (whispering): hello