Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
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[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”