Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
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Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Don’t talk down to me
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.