LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
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Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
It do be feeling this way.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.