Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
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I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
This is so me 😂😂
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.