Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
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My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Happy Fourth of July. May your emails be gathered and your drones fly forever free!
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.