@Aikiwomannc

Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.

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@danjan13

Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink

@samalmightysam

My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.

@TweatingForTwo

The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.

Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.

Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.

The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.

Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.

@MandiAtRandom

I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”

@PrettyRicc

Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face

@Six_Pack_Mom

Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”

(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)

@squirrel74wkgn

My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.

@michaelianblack

Happy Fourth of July. May your emails be gathered and your drones fly forever free!

@Pork_Chop_Hair

When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.

@LizHackett

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.