LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
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so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Me :
All Day At Night
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.