My boss thinks being gay is a disease so I called in queer this morning.
But I reassured him that I should be straight again by tomorrow.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
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My gf told me to take my phone and stick it where the sun don’t shine.
So I sent it to Seattle.
Women make no sense some days.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
I’m not crying. I’m just watering my moustache.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Some people are dealing with real life crises right now and need your nudes now more than ever