don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
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I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Do you know why I pulled you over?
“Yes, because I was driving a motorized toilet.”
I meant this time
Please step out of the oven.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Every time God closes a door, he opens a window, thereby wasting electricity on air conditioning, causing climate change and dooming us all.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.