@Darlainky

Loan officer: What’s your social?

Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.

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@YesItsAl

I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

@noog

If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.

@WigCannon

Do you know why I pulled you over?
“Yes, because I was driving a motorized toilet.”
I meant this time
“Oh. No.”
Please step out of the oven.

@ArfMeasures

Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?

@Tmoney68

I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.

@JoroPotential

Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.

@kelkulus

Every time God closes a door, he opens a window, thereby wasting electricity on air conditioning, causing climate change and dooming us all.

@OllyiConic

cop: you’re coming with me

me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you

cop: get in the car

me: will you take me to disneyland

cop: what do you think

me: maybe

@TheFakeCNN

GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.