@Darlainky

Loan officer: What’s your social?

Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.

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@HeyZeus666

My boss thinks being gay is a disease so I called in queer this morning.

But I reassured him that I should be straight again by tomorrow.

@Douchekevin

My gf told me to take my phone and stick it where the sun don’t shine.

So I sent it to Seattle.

Women make no sense some days.

@envydatropic

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

@DrakeGatsby

CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?

ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!

DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?

@TheAndrewNadeau

[Exit interview]

HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?

GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:

@jazmasta

I’m not crying. I’m just watering my moustache.

@offbeatoliv

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

@FilthyRichmond

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

@not_delicate

Some people are dealing with real life crises right now and need your nudes now more than ever