Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
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Guys, I have an announcement to make.
I’ve decided to use the quarantine as an opportunity to rekindle my marriage.
Everyone here knows we are struggling, and this may be the last shot I have at reconnecting.
Hahaha just kidding is Amazon still shipping shovels?
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
*pats crying child on the back*
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]