Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
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I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
#titanic
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.