People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
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All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me: