lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
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*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.