LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
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Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.