Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
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ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.