@iscoff

Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR

Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME

Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR

Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME

- @iscoff

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@vineyille

How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”

@TheAlexNevil

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

@Michael1979

Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.

@mommajessiec

8yo: *drawing family portrait*

Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?

8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*

@CulturedRuffian

I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.

@AmishPornStar1

Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.

@TheBoydP

*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*

Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away

Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!