Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
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Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.