local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application

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Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.

*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*

Me: Yes, “nice.”


“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”

*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?


A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.


Wait …

“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….

and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?


I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.


Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.


[at my house after 1st date]

me: so, do you wanna have some sex?

her: well, I don’t normally do this…but I think I’ll pass


ME: (dead silent)

ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.


it was hard being a teenager with the last name ???? i mean stalk one guy and you’re ????? for the next three years


How’s the parenting going over here?

My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”