@Hobo_Splendido

local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application

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@FunnyBison

Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.

*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*

Me: Yes, “nice.”

@aveuaskew

“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”

*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?

@HatfieldAnne

A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.

@SteveKoehler22

Wait …

“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….

and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?

@darksidedeb

I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.

@slimmy_shady

Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.

@KKBowls

[at my house after 1st date]

me: so, do you wanna have some sex?

her: well, I don’t normally do this…but I think I’ll pass

@RdrJay47

ME: (dead silent)

ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.

@dinaliz2

it was hard being a teenager with the last name ???? i mean stalk one guy and you’re ????? for the next three years

@sarcasticmommy4

How’s the parenting going over here?

My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”