local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
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If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.