@TommyKarate

Local video store is offering a chance to win free iPads, so naturally, I reported them as spam.

You Might Also Like

@AsgardianRose

Harry Potter: A Shortened Version

Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.

Everyone else: Lol, no.

@Home_Halfway

LAWYER: Can you tell the court where you were the night of the murder

ENGLISH TEACHER: I’m sure I CAN, yes

LAWYER: Ugh. Please tell the court where you were the night of the murder

ENGLISH TEACHER: Much better. I was killing the victim

@Marshalchisomcu

if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England

@Kids_kubed

I don’t consider myself a controlling person.

Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?

@aparnapkin

I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”

@Sassafrantz

Lauren’s coming over.

“Lauren from work or the one who pretends to be a Dr?”

Lauren: Sorry I’m late, I removed a gooblyglop from a dinkis.

@ozzyunc

Satanism is appealing but it’s still having the same imaginary friend as a bunch of other people. I wouldn’t feel special.

@AngelaEhh

They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.

@TylerLinkin

I bought a used UPS truck. It gets poor gas mileage but I can park anywhere.