*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else

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The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.


*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me


Just for once I wanna be able to explain after I say “I can explain.”


Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*

HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?

Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now


Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep


*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?


LOL”Twitter is better with friends. We found some people you might know”. Block Block Block Block


When buying baked goods I always ask myself, “are you prepared to eat this in the parking lot?”