*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
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*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
the three genders
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*