Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
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I make my children listen to people like Pink Floyd and Bob Marley so they learn the difference between Chris Brown and music.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Never know what to do with my face when someone is playing an acoustic guitar and trying to make eye contact with me.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Why must people look at me so strangely when I dance in my car to the music they are playing in their car?
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
‘Oath’ for breakfast, Affidavit for lunch perhaps. 😂😂