@mom_tho

Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.

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@msdanifernandez

Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope

@ShortWhiteNUgly

I make my children listen to people like Pink Floyd and Bob Marley so they learn the difference between Chris Brown and music.

@KyleMcDowell86

“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]

@illiter8too

Never know what to do with my face when someone is playing an acoustic guitar and trying to make eye contact with me.

@NewDadNotes

[Garden of Eden]

Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend

Eve: I thought I was your best friend?

Adam: I love you

Eve: aww I love you too

Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog

@plainsongcure

Why must people look at me so strangely when I dance in my car to the music they are playing in their car?

@elle91

I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.

@HardDriveMag

when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade

@Megatronic13

Torturer: just tell me what I need know

Me: NEVER

Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*

Me: OKAY I’ll talk

@Tolunimii

‘Oath’ for breakfast, Affidavit for lunch perhaps. 😂😂