My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
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OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*
Yeah. That’s do-able.
I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Mute the voices in your head by eating really crunchy food.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]