Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
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I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.