@jake_likes_naps

*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying

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@JermHimselfish

I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.

@HelmdawgE

Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..

@bourgeoisalien

People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.

@TheCatWhisprer

I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.

@Fickle_Filly

I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.

@Angibangie

Me: I like a full bodied wine.

Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.

Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.

@NotMarkAllen

Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”

@kacisuewho

HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing

CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar

HAN: why do you need a business loan

@Hammyinmiami

My husband is so not into sex. When I wear fishnet stockings he thinks I want to go fishing.