*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying

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I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.


Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..


People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.


I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.


I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.


Me: I like a full bodied wine.

Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.

Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.


Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”


HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing

CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar

HAN: why do you need a business loan


My husband is so not into sex. When I wear fishnet stockings he thinks I want to go fishing.