*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
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“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.