Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
You Might Also Like
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
ME (calling my horse with no name):
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?