Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
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Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
I’m just playing devils avocado here
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now